Enduring Colin
by 3-GoldenTrio-3
Summary: Gay stalkers, romance and rape. Harry and Cho, Draco and Hermione, what more do we need to say?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Harry Potter characters (or Dan Rad unfortunately) or the book that the plot is based on. We do own the other stuff though so back off.**

**Harry's Train of Thought**

"Sorry!" yelled Harry as the first year he had hit coming through the platform barrier went flying. Suddenly Harry noticed a flaming red head high above anyone else's and made his way over to what could only be his best bud Ron Weasley.

Quickening his pace, a certain bushy haired individual suddenly came into focus standing next to the flaming red. It was Hermione. In his haste, for a second time that day he sent someone flying. As he bent down to help his victim, he saw that it was none other than Colin Creevy.

"Hi Harry!" exclaimed Colin enthusiastically. Too enthusiastically for this time in the morning (A/N: We know that it would be like 10:30 and that isn't very early but he is a teenager, ok?)

"Hi Colin" said Harry with a hint of annoyance in his voice. Colin had continued his stalking ways all through his 5th year and he felt sure that Colin now had enough photos of Harry to paper the Great Hall. Colin's face split into a grin as he acknowledged Harry.

"That's ok Harry, really, it was my fault," said Colin, oblivious to the fact that Harry had yet to apologise. "oh and good luck for your sixth year Harry!"

"Thanks" said Harry distantly. "Listen Colin, I've got to go, but I'll see you around."

"Great!" called Colin "I'll look forward to it!" But Harry had already run off to greet his friends.

"Harry, how ya doing?" asked Ron, giving Harry a manly pat on the back.

"I'm good, man, I'm good." he replied, before turning to Hermione. As he took in her appearance he gave a long slow whistle.

Her figure had filled out in all the right places, giving her round firm breasts and a pert squeezable bottom. She wore flattering clothes-a low cut tank top showing off an impressive cleavage and tight denim hot pants with diamante decoration, which revealed her long creamy legs. She was getting more that her fair share of admiring looks, especially from one particular boy.

Draco Malfoy.

Despite boys doing triple takes as they walked past her, she seemed oblivious to their stares of lust. Still the same old Hermione then.

"Hermione, you have er, grown a lot this summer! You look great" He stuttered not wanting to get too close to her in case old Polonius Plonker made a guest appearance.

"So have you harry, you've shot up!" With that, she grabbed him into an emotional hug.

"Woah! Down boy!" thought Harry "Think of cold showers..Think of Professor Sprout naked..actually that's a surprisingly sexy thought!"

Harry then noticed that Ginny had joined them. Unlike her brother, Ginny was quite small (although she preferred to be called petite) and was very cute and sassy. She had recently found her thing-designing and making clothes. She was wearing one of her own creations (a GW as she liked to call it). It was a tight shimmery green corset with black laces up and down the back. Her legs were encased in black ripped jeans, which were so tight it looked as though she had been sewn into them. She was still dating Dean, and over the summer had become much more experienced in the ways of love.

"Harry!" she cried giving Harry a huge hug, for she had gotten over her crush on him a while ago, and now saw him as yet another brother.

"Red! How ya doing?" asked Harry, using a nickname that he had been using on her for quite a while.

"I'm great Harry, real great!" She smiled at Harry. Harry couldn't help noticing that she had a really pretty smile. And her sun induced freckles across her nose were very cute.

"Hmmm," thought Harry "what is up with me today? I'm one horny devil…phew, I need a booty call-and fast!" As Harry glanced around him, he could see that talent was pretty thin on the ground and so had to make do with another hug with Ginny.

"I must not think of impure thoughts, I must not think impure thoughts" Harry told himself, shaking out of it. What was he doing? Ginny was like a sister to him and Hermione..

Suddenly, over Ginny's shoulder, he caught the eye of someone who drove all thoughts of Hermione out of his mind.

It was Cho Chang.

She was wearing a super sexy denim mini dress, with a zip down the front-which she had undone practically to the navel. Her fountain of shimmering black hair was swinging in time with her model-like wiggle.

"Hi Harry!" she called in a soft singsong voice.

"Er..hi.." he stuttered.

Ron gave a low whistle. "I'd like a slice of that cherry pie." said Ron.

"That bitch is mine – I saw her first." growled Harry in the territorial voice that only dogs would use for their mates.

Ron sighed. "Fine, fine, I get it look but don't touch. But still, check out that rack!"

If looks could kill, Ron would've been six feet under.

"Its ok. Anyways, I've got my own fish to fry," his eyes following Hermione's swinging hips into the horizon..

**Please R&R. We hope you enjoy it…this is only the beginning, there is much, much, much more to come……**

**Thank you to Katy, we couldn't have done this without you, and Saskia and Bethan and Pattern and sexy bexy, for being our number one fans.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: We do not own any of these characters.**

**Hidden emotions**

Hermione found an empty carriage for her and the guys and sat down. She was so pleased to be going back to Hogwarts. After all these years, it felt like home. She was just wondering where Harry and Ron had got to when the door flew open.

"Quick Mudblood, hide me!" came a cold, callous, calculating voice.

Draco Malfoy.

Through shock and instinct, Hermione quickly hid him under her seat.

Draco, being in prime position to admire her slender legs, was doing so with relish.

Hermione lent down, her curtain of hair cascading over her shoulders and whispered furiously,

"What do you think you're doing Malfoy?"

Malfoy shook his head in reply and raising a pale finger to her lips.

"Sssshhhhhh," he murmured.

Suddenly they heard galumphing footsteps along the corridor, and the cry of "Drakie Poo!" echoed and rang through the train. Pansy poked her head round the compartment door.

"Oi you mudblood skank. Have you seen my top piece of totty?"

"If you mean Draco, then no." Hermione replied coldly.

"Yeah, didn't think he'd be around here, what kind of self respecting boy would want to hang around you." Pansy returned spitefully.

Hermione made a rude gesture using two particular fingers and Pansy left, slamming the door behind her. The glass shattered and Hermione uttered an impatient "reparo".

"They should really make the glass on these doors unbreakable – we are teenagers you know!" she muttered under her breath.

Draco popped his head out from underneath the chair, a worried frown disfiguring his otherwise charmingly sexy face.

"Has she gone yet?" he queried of her.

"Yes, thank Merlin." sighed Hermione causing her glossy side fringe to ruffle.

Draco was staring at Hermione, as if marveling at her beauty, but when Hermione offered her hand to help him up, he refused it with a curt,

"As if anyone would want to touch your mudblood skin."

Hermione gasped with shock at his blatant disregard to her feelings. And after she'd just helped him……….

"Well at least I have real friends, all you have is a bunch of gold digging followers." she shot at him.

"Well, well…" Draco was trying to think of an insult.

They were subconsciously edging ever closer, their faces bare inches apart as Draco delivered the final insult.

"Well…when I was hiding, I noticed a hint of cellulite on your upper thighs." he said with a triumphant smirk.

"YOU….YOU…." Hermione raged.

Malfoy silenced her with a kiss.

A fiery, passionate, yet strangely tender kiss.

A kiss they'd both been longing for for all too many years.

His tongue reached the barrier of her lips and pressed tentatively on them, seeking for entry. She granted this to him in an instant and their tongues were soon dueling in a battle of lust. They explored each others mouths excitedly. No crevice was left unsearched by their inquisitive tongues.

Hermione slipped her hand up his shirt. 'Someone's been working out over the summer' she thought, as her fingers splayed over his impeccably toned chest.

Draco began to nibble at her neck and behind her ear. She seized him and tried to push him more onto her. Hermione then ran her hands through his silky hair and twisted some platinum locks round her fingers. His mouth was at her collarbone when the sound of Ron and Harry approaching, like chattering monkeys, brought them back down to earth with a bump.

Draco released her, then shouted,

"I'll see you around then mudblood." he said, with a conspiratorial wink and a nod towards the door. Cottoning on, Hermione replied,

"Just get out, ferret." She said, stifling a giggle.

As they had heard the shouts, Ron and Harry burst in with their wands at the ready.

"Was the ferret bothering you?" said Ron, protectively, his hand placed on the small of her back.

"No, no, and anyway, he was just leaving." she replied.

Draco tossed them a look of contempt over his shoulder as he flounced out. Ron ran over to the ajar door and leaned out of it.

"And don't come back!" he cried, shaking his fist at Draco like an angry farmer.

* * *

The journey continued uneventfully. About halfway through, Harry got up to go to the bathroom, to relieve himself. He looked at Ron who was stealing furtive glances at Hermione over the top of his Which Broomstick magazine. 

"I'm just popping to the bathroom" he called. Ron stopped staring at Hermione long enough to acknowledge Harry with a nod.

The bathroom was occupied, and after waiting for five minutes, Harry was starting to get impatient.

"WHO IS IT IN THERE WHO IS TAKING SO BLOODY LONG?" he yelled, just as the lock was pulled back and the door was opened to reveal Cho Chang.

Harry was mortified.

"Oh I'm so sorry…I…" he said, feeling his face flame as red as Ron's barnet.

She had looked shocked at his out burst, but after seeing him stutter and colour, she relaxed.

"That's alright, Harry. Anyways, I better head, see you around, _I hope!_"

Then she squeezed herself past Harry, getting closer than was really necessary. The feeling of her breasts brushing past his chest was enough for Harry's little (but not that little!) friend make another guest appearance. Harry tried to maintain a seductive look on his face, whilst gradually edging his crotch away from her. He hoped that he had succeeded.

"Yeah, see you Cho," he said, giving her a silly grin and a wave, which he instantly regretted.

As he watched her retreat down the corridor, Harry locked himself in the toilet and turned on the cold water tap.

"Oh Polonius, you silly bugger" he said to himself, liberally applying the cold water to the appropriate areas, "what sort of trouble have you got me into now?"

Little did Harry know, that Old Polonius Plonker, had far from got him into trouble. For as Cho was sashaying down the corridor, to return to her compartment, she was saying to herself

"Crikey oh riley! Did you cop a load of that bulge! Harry must be very very well equipped. His trouser snake felt bigger than the basilisk!"

**Again, R&R. And also a big thanx to Saskia(our first ever reviewer!), Patten ( sorry bout the extra there man) and for their brillo reviews, chapter 3 will be up tomoz Oh and thanx to the usual crowd oh, and Henry. And Gorm.**

**And also, we would just like to say that things WILL be hotting up in chapter 3.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of the HP empire, or the music that we put in (Marvin Gaye) or the book that the plot is based on. We own all the funny one liners though.**

When dreams become a reality:

"_Take me now Harry" groaned Cho, spread-eagled on the bed, wearing nothing but a Harry Potter towel._

_Harry raised a trembling finger and stroked her cheek. _

"_I…I love you" said Harry._

"_Me too Harry, but please do me before I burst." She said tenderly._

_Harry gently undid the towel and his pupils dilated. She had a top figure and was a bonafida five star babe. _

"_Sorry Ron, but this cherry is ready for plucking, and I'm going to do it myself." He said to himself. _

_Harry couldn't believe his luck, bone fide Cho lovin' was his for the taking…this wasn't just his adolescent dreams any more…_

"_OH MY GOD!"_

Harry sat bolt upright, panting as though he had just ran a marathon. Ron was sitting nearby, looking at Harry worriedly.

"What is it Harry? Is it You Know Who? Has he killed someone else? Is it Hermione? Mum? Dad?"

"No, no, don't worry Ron. I had a dream that I fell off my broom is all."

Ron nodded and got back into his four-poster Harry leant back on his bed, but soon realised that the sheets were absolutely sopping.

It was more than just sweat.

Harry needed a shower (better make that a cold one) and fast. Grabbing his wash bag, he headed for the room of requirement, which was nearest to the Gryffindor common rooms and slipped out quietly. In fact he was so quite that he didn't even wake the Fat Lady.

When he arrived there, he heard a shower already blasting away, but didn't think anything of it. It was quite common for boys in his year to need urgent showers in the middle of the night these days. He went inside and turned around to lock the door, just in case any teachers were patrolling. He got into a cubicle and quickly soaped off his body.

Soon, his renditions of Spice Girls songs (Dudley had received their album as a birthday present a few years back) were bouncing off the walls. He was so consumed in what he was doing that he didn't even notice the other shower click off. He paused for a breath between songs and decided that he was clean enough. Getting dressed quickly, he walked out into the main bathroom. There he was greeted by the mystery shower occupant.

It was Cho Chang.

"Oh, it's you Harry!" she said, trying to hide her delight.

The sexual tension between them was fizzing more than a whole crate of Fizzing Whizzbees from Honeydukes.

"Yes, it is me." he replied "You're looking good Chang."

She was as well. Clad only in a Harry Potter towel, just like his dream.

"Thanks Harry. And by the way," she said, approaching his ear and whispering seductively "I really like you Harry…"

His hands went round her waist, sliding down to the small of her back. She pulled herself closer to him with a moan of longing. Her hands slid up to his chest, feeling all the muscles which Quidditch had made so firm. She longed to see his chest bare, glistening with sweat as they made some sweet sweet magic together.

Harry stroked her jaw line with his finger, and planted a soft kiss on her lips. He brought his mouth back up, and then smashed it down again with explosive longing.

They were up against the door now, kissing passionately.

Cho brought her legs up and wrapped them around his waist. They were still smoochin' away, unaware of anything but each other.

Unbeknown to them, a magnificent four poster bed had materialised behind them. A lightly chilled champagne bottle, two glasses, a tube of lube and an old style gramophone also appeared. It creaked into action, playing Marvin Gaye's lets get it on.

**I've been really tryin , baby  
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long  
And if you feel, like I feel baby  
Come on, oh come on, **

**Let's get it on  
Lets get it on  
Let's get it on  
Let's get it on **

**We're all sensitive people  
With so much love to give, understand me sugar  
Since we got to be  
Lets say, I love you **

**There's nothin wrong with me  
Lovin you  
And givin yourself to me can never be wrong  
If the love is true **

**Don't you know how sweet and wonderful, life can be  
I'm askin you baby, to get it on with me  
I aint gonna worry, I aint gonna push  
So come on, come on, come on, come on baby  
Stop beatin round the bush... **

**Let's get it on  
Let's get it on  
Let's get it on  
Let's get it on**

The couple broke apart, the frissons of love still present between them. Harry took Cho's hand and with a gentle,

"Come with me baby" led her towards the bed.

Kneeling on the bed, Harry finally realized how far this could go.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" he asked. Cho responded to his question by pushing him into a horizontal position on the bed. Straddling him, she tore off his shirt and gasped as she took in what she saw – he was more toned than an aisle full of Wellas Shaders and Toners. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a mahogany wardrobe which had just appeared. Climbing off Harry, she made her way over to it. Harry groaned and sat up on his elbows.

"What are you doing Cho? Come on babe, you're killing me here!"

His trousers, although not tight, were no where near big enough to contain the bulge that had occurred. This time Harry was not cursing Polonius.

"I'm just slipping into something a little she said, and selected the shortest, sexiest, most see through negligee and went into the little changing room. When she reappered, Harry's bulge-if it were possible-got bigger. Straddling him once more, she showered Harry's body with kisses. Then, leanibng forward seductively, she whispered in his ear,

"Ride me like a broomstick!"

"Aaah yeah!" replied Harry, running his tongue over his teeth.

Dragon sword master: Thanks for the review! Sorry to keep you in suspense with this chapter, but there is much more smut on its way! (although surely this is enough for the time being!)

Thanks to theseahorse, dabluefish and all the usual crowd (spesh Patten, sas and bethan) and to all the other new reviews, but you know who you are. And Helen, thank you for the battle of lust line.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: We would like to tackle an important issue at the beginning of this chapter. WHY DOES CHO BLOODY WELL SOUND AUSTRALIAN?**

**Disclaimer: We don't own it ok? **

**Saying the un-Ced**

Harry grabbed Cho's arms and flipped her over, so that he was on top.

"This is how I like it!" he growled.

Harry decided to get her back for teasing him earlier, by prolonging the foreplay. He grabbed the champagne bottle and poured some over her chest. She gasped as the cool champagne ran over her hot bosom. Harry bent his head down, and lick the length of her cleavage like he had seen done in films (and the ladies in those seemed to like it).

"Mmmm! Tasty!" he muttered.

Cho appeared to agree with him and waggled her eyebrows in pleasure.

"Mmmm! Ced used to do that!" she purred.

Harry's insides stung with hurt, and he stopped mid lick.

The gramophone skidded to a halt.

"Ced, I'm sick of Ced!" he roared, suddenly morphing into the angry young man he was before Cho re-entered his life.

He slid off the bed, immediately rummaging through the discarded clothes to find his shirt. Instantly finding it on the top of the pile (this was the Room of Requirement after all) he stalked to the door, not even bothering to put it on. He paused with his hand on the door handle and spat,

"Maybe you should just do it with Ced," before flouncing out.

The room fulfilled his command and suddenly a skeleton appeared next to Cho on the bed. Pre coital cigarette already lit in his hands, he turned to Cho and said,

"Ok baby!"

"Hermione..hey! Hermione!" a voice rang out, shattering her quiet fantasies involving her, Draco and a whole lot of sexual tension.

Hermione started and dropped the books she was carrying, as if someone had put the _diffindo_ charm on her. She squatted down to retrieve them. As she reached for Numerology and Grammatica, a pale yet muscular hand reached for it as well. Their hands brushed each other and Hermione blushed furiously. For she knew that the hand belonged to the person she had been day dreaming about moments ago.

Draco Malfoy.

"W…w…what do you want Malfoy?" she stuttered, trying to sound casual but failing miserably.

"To talk to you, dummy," he laughed.

"Not now, we could be seen" she looked around the deserted corridor as if it were bustling with mocking students.

"Fine, fine," answered Draco, "but let me tell you this first" he lent down until he was so close to her ear that she could feel his hot breath on her neck, causing shivers to run up her spine.

"I can't get you outta my head. Every time I see you I want to sweep you off your feet and ravage you. Hell, I'd even take the floor if there weren't any surfaces available!"

Hermione's chocolate brown eyes widened with delight. These things just didn't get said to plain old Hermione Granger. Until now that is.

"Can I meet you later?" she asked tentatively, hardly daring to hear the answer, which she was sure would be a resounding no, after all, why would a sex god like Draco Malfoy be interested in a plain Jane like herself (which coincidently was her middle name).

Draco looked as though nothing would please him more, but tried to conceal it with a gruff,

"Alight then," accompanied by a shrug, "9 O'clock in the Room of Requirement. And don't tell anyone."

And with that he kissed her lightly on the forehead and disappeared down the corridor.

Hermione stood still for a moment to gather her thoughts. She couldn't quite believe it. Then a bell sounded and that knocked her out of her thoughts. She scooped up her remaining books and hurried off to class.

First up was double potions. This was one of the many lessons that the Gryffindors had to share with the Slytherins.

Hermione made her way through the desks to her one at the front. She always sat at the front, because everyone talked at the back and she found it hard to concentrate. Halfway through the lesson she felt a familiar prickling on the back of her neck. She turned around, and found herself staring into stormy grey eyes which belonged to a certain blonde beauty.

Draco Malfoy.

She smiled at him which he returned quickly they turned back to her work. But the prickling did not stop. Little did she know that another person was watching Hermione that lesson. And his watery blue eyes were staring somewhat further down south.

That's right. Ron was checking out her arse.

After dinner that night, instead of returning to the common room as was common practice, she made her excuses to escape from the boys in order to go to the prefect's bathroom and get ready. Surprisingly, Ron seemed to be doing this as well, which was an unusual occurrence. Usually he just loafed around with Harry, not doing his homework until the last possible moment.

Hermione was so nervous about her meeting with Draco that she was ready by 8 o'clock. She had teased her bushy hair into soft curls and squeezed herself into a leather basque and a leather mini. Her makeup was immaculate and subtle, showing off her natural beauty. She surveyed herself with pride in the full length mirror, although she couldn't stop her hands shaking as she laced up her knee length leather boots. She glanced at the clock. It was 8:15. Given the fact that it would take her ten or fifteen minutes to walk there, she decided to set off. After all, it wouldn't matter if she was there first would it?

She made a quick stop off at the common room to get her bag. On her way down from her dorm she ran into Ron. He climbed through the portrait hole clearly unaware of her presence and strode purposely off down the corridor. Hermione didn't bother to see where he was going, the only thing in her mind was Draco, Draco, Draco. Straightening her skirt, she walked towards the Room of Requirement.

Ron made his way to a portrait of a woman in her underwear.

"Modèle doggy de sexe" he said and the woman in the portrait giggled coyly and swung open. Ron checked to make sure no one had seen him, and climbed through the portrait hole….

**Thanks to all our dedicated reviewers, who are still reading this even after such a long break. But we are reunited once more so we will be updating more often. And sorry for this fairly uneventful chapter, but we need to set some stuff up. The rest will be business as usual.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: We don't own it.**

Unconventional Hobbies

As Ron crawled through the portrait hole he could hear the strains of Weasley is our King coming from the inner sanctum. But this was no Quidditch match, oh no.

This was Ron's very own sex convention. The lyrics were a little different as well. Seamus was conducting the crowd with a vibrator and they were singing:

Weasley is our King

Weasley is our King

He taught us to shag everything

Weasley is our King

He can make the ladies sing

As such an orgasm he does bring

That's why us shaggers all do sing

Weasley is our King

They were singing in rhythm with dean waving a giant banner that he had spent many hours making. It depicted their clubs coat of arms (a pair of boobs, a penis and a condom making out a smiley face) and their motto (_"volo multi sexire"_).

Ron acknowledged his loyal supporters with a genial wave of the hand and a superior nod, then sauntered over to his throne.

"People, people" he cried. "Do take your seats, I have much planned for this ceremony."

There was a big kerfuffle as the members hurried to sit at the long table that Ron's throne was at the head of. Ron turned to the person on his left.

"Terry, are you ready to take minutes?" Ron queried. Terry Boot replied with a curt nod of the head.

"Then we are ready to start todays meeting. Michael, I trust you put the silencing charms around this room today? You remembered how hard I came down on you last time."

Michael shuddered. He had been banned from the following meeting. Meaning his sexual performance had dipped dreadfully. It was this, and not him getting annoyed over Gryffindor beating Ravenclaw, that had caused Ginny to dump him.

"Yes, sir, it has been dealt with."

"Good. Now, on a lighter note, how did you all find the peacock this week? I hope you've been practicing. How did it compare to the bud. I'd like you all to divide into groups and discuss the pros and cons of each."

As the buzz of excited chatter grew in the room, Ron lent back and surveyed his eager participants. His thoughts strayed to Hermione. She had looked mighty fine in potions today. He could hardly believe that that arse was hers, although the tight skirt she was wearing certainly didn't leave much to the imagination.

Suddenly he was jolted back into reality by the braying laughter of an overexcited discussion group. This awakened him to his duties. He got up and paced around the room, occasionally stopping to listen to some groups discussions. Once he had done the rounds he returned to his throne and looked at the colourful wall decorations.

He could hardly believe how far his convention had come. When he had first started it, a couple of years back, it had been 5 people in an empty classroom. Now look at it. The club was 150 members strong, and they even had their own premises, thanks to the arrival of Blaise Zabini. His rich mother had donated hundreds of galleons to the club and they had bought extravagant decorations.

There were kama sutra decorations adorning the walls, which were wipe-clean to avoid any mishaps. There was the wall of fame where the members who had gained star status by having sex 10 times in a week's portraits were displayed and on the opposite wall there were many wanted posters where there were pictures of all the girls or boys who members were desperate to lay but hadn't managed to do so.

The biggest and most prominent of all bore the name Hermione Granger.

All around the room there were booths which contained double beds and condom machines. A couple of booths also contained single beds with drawers of vibrators and Playwizards for those who were not so lucky that week.

Up a spiral staircase there were two bathrooms, one containing hot tubs big enough for eight at a time and the other containing cold showers (which incidentally, would have been perfect for Harry, had Ron dared to approach him about membership).

Ron clapped his hands.

"Ok break up your discussions, it's time for my talk of the week. Today the topic is the do's and don't's of foreplay. Millicent, come up here, I'm demonstrating on you."

* * *

As Hermione approached the Room of Requirement she noticed that the door was already there. She checked her watch. It was twenty to. Frowning in confusion she quietly opened the door. The sight that met her eyes was number two on her list of things she never expected to happen. Number one on that list was her having sex with Ron.

It was Draco Malfoy.

Playing the piano.

He was sitting at a white grand piano in the corner of the room. He was softly singing a song with his eyes closed, his pale fingers gently caressing the keys. As he was singing with his eyes closed he could not see Hermione, but she retreated into the shadows to listen.

"Oh woe I love my dad so

So why does he reject me?

I hate him but I can't let him go

Why does he reject me?

Why oh why does he reject me?

My mother is a saint but

You treat her like a sinner

Beating her half to death

When she doesn't cook your dinner

Oh woe I love my dad so

So why does he reject me?

I hate him but I can't let him go

Every boy needs a father figure

In order to grow to a man

But you don't bother to help me

You're only Voldemort's fan

Oh woe I love my dad so

So why does he reject me?

I hate him but I can't let him go

I don't want to follow your feet

Killing's just not for me

You know and understand this dad

So why reject my plea?

Oh woe I love my dad so

So why does he reject me?

I hate him but I can't let him go

You're brave yet you're also a coward

Dad, you're killing is second to none,

But if you're such a tough fighter

Why do you shirk away from raising your son?

Oh woe I love my dad so

So why does he reject me?

I hate him but I can't let him go

Oooh ooh I love him yet I hate him

Oooh ooh I love him yet I hate him"

A tear slid down his cut glass cheekbones as he played out the soft final bars of the haunting melody that had so obviously come from his heart.

Hermione couldn't help but let out a choked sob of pity for this so obviously messed up boy.

Draco Malfoy.

Draco's head snapped up and he played some bum notes instead of the beautiful final chord.

"Who's there?" he barked.

"It's me, Hermione. That was beautiful."

"You weren't supposed to hear that. No one was supposed to hear that." he muttered angrily, slamming down the lid of the piano.

"No, Draco, please. I understand. My…my mum gets beaten up by Dad all the time. I empathize completely with the fact that its hard to tell everyone. Not even Harry and Ron know."

She walked towards him and slipped an arm round his muscular shoulders, whilst tenderly lifting up the lid of the piano again. She carelessly played a couple of notes, but they were not those of a skilful player.

"How in the name of Merlin did you get so good?" she asked tentatively.

Draco looked up at her with a pained expression.

"Every time my father laid into Mother I would go up to my room and play to drown out her cries of pain. Here, let me teach you."

He placed his hand on hers and guided them to the right notes. After a few moments though, Hermione turned her head, so that their lips were inches apart.

"This isn't the kind of teaching I had in mind when I came along tonight." She whispered suggestively, with one eyebrow raised.

Draco smirked, all pain forgotten for the time being, and in answer to her statement, lowered his lips gently onto hers. Then he grabbed her by the waist and lifted her onto the top of the piano. As they continued in their antics, the music made by her sitting on the piano started to play.

They called it their song.

Not content with just snogging, Draco's hand began to wander to the laces tying her basque. Hermione pulled away, her breathing still fast and ragged.

"No Draco. I'm not ready…………not yet."

"I understand, my love. Until tomorrow."

Hermione climbed off the piano and departed from the room, a happy smile playing about her swollen lips.

* * *

**Hope you like it! This is one of our fave chapters. But don't worry dragon sword master, many more harry/cho moments coming up (we have a whole list of encounters). We will also be including stuff to make it live up to its name. (gay stalkers abound). **


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: We own nothing. (Apart from the funny puns)**

**Unclean thoughts**

As the days went by Harry was feeling increasingly bad about his hasty exit from Cho. Perhaps he had overreacted slightly. He spent the whole of History of Magic thinking of ways to make up for it. He finally decided on a picnic. A little food, some fine mead, and some talking…who knows what could happen? But it would need organization. He checked his watch. Only an hour till lunch. He put up his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Pooja?" said Professor Binns.

"I er…I have a headache, can I go to the Hospital Wing?" Harry asked, putting on a suitably pained expression.

Professor Binns surveyed him with a vaguely suspicious air, but evidently decided that Harry's claim was true, replying,

"Yes, yes, off you go" and dismissing Harry with a wave of his hand.

Harry shuffled slowly out of the classroom, ignoring Hermione and Ron's whispers (he could make out the words 'dream', 'scar' and 'Voldemort').

As soon as he got a safe distance away, he began running, slowing down only when he passed the glass windows in the classroom doors.

His first stop was the Owlery.

Leaning on the wall, he penned a quick note to Cho:

Cho, there is much we need to talk about. I am sorry I was so rash. Meet me at lunch under the Great Oak tree for a picnic.

Always and forever, Harry XXX

He then sealed it with a loving kiss and sent Hedwig on his way. Harry watched her fly off for a moment or two but then shook himself out of it. He had a girl to win back.

His picnic had to be something really special.

"But where would I get all the food from?" he thought out loud. Then like a firebolt speeding through the sky it came to him. "Dobby!" he exclaimed.

After tickling the pear Harry made his way into the kitchens of Hogwarts. Harry suddenly felt a small pair of arms grab him round the waist.

"Harry Potter Sir! You have come to visit Dobby!" squeaked the house elf excitedly.

"Yeah, yeah whatever Dobby," drawled Harry, "I need food for a romantic picnic. Can you help me or not?"

Dobby gave an excited squeal; he loved missions of this sort. Before Harry could even blink, Dobby had presented him with a bottle of sparkling mead, two long French baguettes, and a carton of Brie. There was a delicious looking chocolate mousse for dessert. Harry could think of lots of ideas for that.

* * *

Harry stopped off at the common room to get his cologne. He placed the picnic on the nearest table, where Colin happened to be sitting. Colin jumped.

"Harry! Is all this for me and you? You shouldn't have, lunch is only in five minutes!"

Harry shot him a withering look.

"No. This is er..for me and er..Cho. Gotta go. Bye."

Colin stared after him, his eyes blazing with that of an unrequited love. He slowly slid off his stool and called up to his brother.

"Dennis! Lets go. We've got a picnic to crash."

* * *

Harry reached for the corkscrew and began to open up the mead.

"Cho, listen. I feel really bad about the other night." Cho held up a hand to stop him.

"No Harry, its me who should be apologizing. I was totally tactless."

Harry felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders.

And something else lifted up at the same time.

Harry leaned in to Cho, lips puckered for a kiss, but a scream shot him out of the moment. Harry and Cho turned to see where it had come from, and a terrible sight met their eyes. Katie Bell and Leanne had obviously been fighting. Harry suspected that Katie was as angry as he was over Aunt Marge, because Leanne seemed to be swelling up like a balloon. Harry knew what was coming next. Harry leapt up and started sprinting towards her.

"SHE NEEDS TO BE HELD DOWN! SHE'S GONNA FLOAT AWAY IF WE DON'T!"

There were four or five people running at Leanne. They all reached her at more or less the same time. One person did a running leap and grabbed onto Leanne's outstretched hand. The others all grabbed the remaining limbs. For a moment it seemed that all would be well, but no, that's not how the events unfolded. Leanne was caught by a gust of wind and they were all swept into the air. This coupled with the fact that she kept increasing in size meant that they were steadily rising up into the limitless sky. Harry braved a look down and could see the increasingly diminishing Cho waving and calling to him to come down. He looked around at the four other boys holding onto Leanne, all of them desperately trying to bring her down. It seemed that they too were realizing that their attempts were going to be fruitless. Suddenly, Harry let go of Leanne and fell with a thump back down to earth. He looked around him and saw three other figures (including Colin Creevey) all rubbing themselves. So who didn't let go?

Justin Finch-Fletchley.

He held on to Leanne's leg with a vice like grip. Harry and the others shouted at him to let go now while it was still safe but he couldn't. Leanne rose even further into the air. Justin was now clinging on by only a couple of fingers. Then after a sudden gust of wind, he was buffeted into the air and started plummeting to earth at a sickeningly fast speed. His arms grabbed helplessly at the air.

Then he hit the ground.

The crowd that had gathered after seeing Leanne float into the air rushed over to the crumpled figure.

Shouts of, "Is he alive? Is he alive?" rang through the now chilled air.

Harry got there first, closely followed by another. As he approached, he saw by the unnatural angle of Justin's neck that he was certainly dead. Harry felt an arm on his shoulder. He turned to find Colin shaking his head at the body.

"How terrible" he said in a flat voice with absolutely no emotion. Then he clutched at Harry. "Come on Harry, we must pray. Hold my hand. We'll do it together."

Harry shook himself free.

"I'm not praying to anyone. We need to tell the teachers."

Someone in the main crowd had already alerted the teachers, so Albus Dumbledore came hurrying along top where Harry and Colin stood.

"Off you go you two," he sighed "I'll take care of this now."

Harry ran back to Cho and collapsed in her arms.

"Hold me" he murmured.

Cho gripped Harry and he could feel tears trickling onto his shoulder.

"Don't cry baby," he whispered into her silky hair. Harry hated girls crying. "I know what will cheer you up. Meet me at the prefects' bathroom in five minutes."

* * *

Harry climbed gingerly into the warm bath that Cho had just run for the two of them. The bubble bath that he had so much enjoyed using in fourth year was filling the huge bath to the brim, and enveloping him in all sorts of delicious smells. There were heart shaped candles floating in the air, and Marvin Gaye was once again playing in the background.

"Cho, honey?" Harry called. "Come on, everything's ready."

"Just coming darling." came the trill of her voice from the changing room.

Then she sauntered out.

She was completely, utterly naked.

She slipped herself under the bubbles and swam a neat breaststroke over to where Harry was treading water.

"You're good at swimming," Harry said.

"Yeah, but I'd rather see _your_ breaststroke." Cho replied sultrily.

Harry grinned and moved in for the kill.

"Oh damn," Harry cursed, "I forgot the massage lotion. I'll just go and get it."

Harry scrambled out of the bath, revealing that he was wearing nothing but a leopard print thong.

Cho eyed it up hungrily, but before she could stop herself, the dreaded words slipped out.

"Oh, Ced used to wear a tiger print one."

Harry spun around, throwing the massage oil to the ground, where the glass bottle smashed into a million pieces, reflecting what had just happened to his heart.

"Shutup, just SHUT UP! Ced….I'm sick of Ced!"

And with that he stormed out angrily, although the effect was ruined somewhat by the fact that he slipped on the massage oil, cracking his head on the ground.

Harry got up and felt his way to the door, owls spinning around his head and exited.

Cho sighed and looked miserably at the back scrub.

"I guess it's just you and me," she said, before uttering the "_vibratus_" charm quietly under her breath.

* * *

**Thanks to all our reviewers, hope you like this new chapter. To those who are fans of the sex convention or Draco and Hermione more is coming in the next few chapters. **

**Also, dragon sword master, this fanfic is based on some cartoons that we once drew, depicting the Harry and Cho part of the story. Would you like some scans? Reply via reviews.**

**And Spedmonkey10 can you please explain yourself about why Cho sounds Australian!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter**

**The meeting and the plan**

The news of Justin's death spread round the school like wildfire. No one seemed to quite know the full story, but everyone was enjoying embellishing their versions of it.

Hermione was quietly sobbing at the back of the DADA classroom. She had liked Justin. Not in a sexual way, but there had just been something about him. His quality of life was so pure and he was always cracking her up with new jokes. Sometimes they played a game where they had to say a sentence in different ways to make new meanings! He also was hilarious the way he would always say "brillopad" when something good happened and "eep" when he was annoyed (the noise his computer made when he made a mistake).

Draco saw her and his heart performed a lap of honour round the Quidditch pitch that was his chest for her. He wanted to do something, anything, to help her. He scribbled a quick note and bewitched it to fly over to her.

Hermione opened it and gave a watery grin. Draco had drawn a delightful picture of the two of them ballroom dancing in the streets of Paris, with the Eiffel Tower glinting in the moonlight.

She wrote back a note saying "Please meet me again tonight. I think I'm ready to go a little………further. Same time, same place."

Draco was about to reply when Snape crossed the classroom angrily.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?"

"Nothing, Sir."

"Well if it's nothing, then you won't mind giving me that bit of paper scrunched up in your fist then?"

"Er…er"

At that moment the bell trilled and Snape swooped back to the board to write up the homework.

"Phew, saved by the bell," Draco muttered.

* * *

"Mudblood, Snape wants to see you, " Malfoy spat, as he passed Hermione, who was with Harry and Ron. 

"Why?" asked Harry

"I don't know, but it's nothing to do with you pot head." Draco replied bitingly.

Ron cracked his knuckles threateningly.

"Ooooh, I'm really scared now," mocked Draco.

A low growl, almost a snarl, escaped from Ron's throat.

"Don't worry Ron, I'll just go," soothed Hermione.

And with that, she followed Draco down the corridor, Ron's eyes following her all the while.

* * *

"Snape doesn't really want to see you, you know," said Draco. 

"I'd kinda figured that one out myself," Hermione replied dryly.

"But I do. Tonight, same time, same place, like you said in your note."

He gave her a quick peck on the cheek, then headed off in the direction of his common room.

* * *

"Hear ye, hear ye, this meeting of the sex convention will now come to order." Ron shouted. 

"I'd like you all to split into groups and practice threesomes. Remember though, every person in the threesome should be feeling pleasure at any one time."

"Hey, Ginny," called Zacharias, "Come with me and Crabbe in a group."

"No thanks, I'm fine over here with Seamus and Parvati." She called back.

He came up behind her. "I wasn't asking, I was telling."

He circled a strong arm round her waist and dragged her over to the double bed compartment where Crabbe was languishing.

He threw her onto the bed and dropped on top of her, his hands running over her body. She was wearing one of her own creations, a GW.

"I appreciate that you've really found your thing," grunted Zacharias, "But right now its getting in the way. There needs to be room for MY thing."

The air was filled with the sound of zips being undone and the steady rhythm of the creaking beds.

"Zacharias, no!" she wept as he entered her. "NO….no….oh….oh…yes….YES…YES!"

This was a regular occurrence. Ginny was becoming the village bike – everyone had had a ride.

* * *

When Hermione entered the Room of Requirement that night, the sound of Draco's sweet music didn't grace her ears. She saw a fire and a hearthrug, were Draco was lying, wearing a tight fitting white T-Shirt that showed off his rippling muscles and some baggy jeans. She went and lay down next to him. 

He leant over and kissed her. She began returning the kiss vigorously, and before they knew it, they were rolling around on the floor. Hermione pulled his T-Shirt over his head and discarded it. His own hand slipped up her shirt and stroked the soft skin of her back…………

* * *

"Right, so this meeting we've established the fact that the best finger to use is _always_ the index. The meeting will be adjourned a little early tonight, I've got business to sort out." 

He signaled to Seamus and Dean to stay behind.

"Right guys, I've got a mission for you. Earlier today I followed Hermuione Granger, and heard her arrange to meet that gimp Draco Malfoy. As you well know, I don't want my bitch spoilt before I take her for a ride of my own. You must patrol the corridors and if you see her passing, delay her and contact me in the usual way."

The boys nodded in the affirmative and set off.

Ron smiled.

* * *

**Hope you like it. Huge revelation in next chapter and more H/C coming up soon. Thanks to evans, for chapter title idea, even if we didnt use it. Thanks for your review too. Bozo is a gimp.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: We don't own it.**

**The Ron thing to do**

Hermione was sauntering down the corridor, her mind focused on one blonde Slytherin.

Draco Malfoy.

She fingered her swollen lips, glad that that was all they had got up to in their secret tryst. An angry red rash was threatening to erupt on her jaw. She stroked it gingerly.

"It must be snog rash," she mused.

Still it was a small price to pay when one was with Draco Malfoy. One touch from him made her body reach levels of euphoria that she never though possible. She was thinking of taking things further, as she felt that she was now ready. What they had…it was on another level. Although she used to have a small crush on Ron, she knew that it would never work out. No chemistry. Nah. None.

Suddenly she felt an arm snake around her waist and another cover her mouth.

"Guess who?" a voice growled into her ear, sending goose bumps all down her arms.

"Draco?" she breathed, and turned around expectantly.

But what met her eyes wasn't a platinum dream, but a ginger nightmare.

"Come here" he growled, and pulled her into an embrace, one hand going to town on her breast and the other straying down to her arse.

He smashed his lips onto hers with no of the tenderness of Draco. She could feel his tongue slithering into her mouth like a deadly snake. She bit down hard on it. He gave a yelp and slapped her hard across her face.

"So ya wanna play games do ya bitch? Huh? Well you should know, I like to play dirty!"

He bent down to Hermione, who had fallen to floor from the force of his slap. With immense strength he picked her up and slammed her against the wall. It was lucky he was holding her up because her legs were shaking too much to hold her up. As he grinded his body against her, she could feel him rising.

"Put your legs round me" he barked.

Hermione didn't react.

"NOW!"

But she merely blinked at him, tears rolling slowly down her face.

Ron gave a roar of frustration and forcefully grabbed the inside of her legs and wrapped them round him. He then cupped her buttocks, giving them an extra squeeze for good measure and carried her into an empty classroom.

With animal like longing her tore at her shirt, buttons flying everywhere, until he was left with just her bra. It was a red lacy balcony bra, and mounds of creamy cleavage spilled over the top, like foam on a butterbeer.

Groaning in delight, Ron buried his face in it.

As Ron came up for air, Hermione stared pleadingly into his eyes.

"Please," she whispered.

Ron pulled out his wand. He conjured up a gag and tied it round her mouth (he never could get the hang of silencing charms). As Ron proceeded to give her deep red hickies all across her chest Hermione closed her eyes and thought hard,

"Please and save me, help me…Please."

But Ron had other ideas. He then magicked up a CD player and dragged Hermione to her feet.

"Dance for me." He said, pushing the play button so that the thumping rhythms of Britney Spears' I'm a slave 4 U belted out.

Hermione, standing there in her bra and pants, began to dance. She felt awkward and stupid, and could no longer stop the tears coming out, though she had always liked this song. Her boobs jiggled in time to the music and Ron was following them with his eyes and conducting them pompously with his index fingers. Their creamy white splendour was almost hypnotizing him.

Hermione gave one last attempt at contacting Draco with her mind.

"Please help me…please come get me…"

Suddenly the double doors burst open and Draco marched in, dragging Seamus and Dean by the scruffs of their necks.

"We tried to stop them, we really did, sir" they both cried at Ron.

Ron silenced them with a look of anger.

"What are you doing here Draco? Me and my girl here are just trying to have some fun!"

"Your girl? YOUR GIRL? She's her own person; even _I_ wouldn't call her my girl…..CRUCIO!"

Ron writhed on the floor in pain, yet still managed t cry out,

"GET HIM MY PRETTIES!"

Dean and Seamus advanced towards Draco, but Draco was too quick. With fists of steel, he knocked them both out with one punch. He turned to Hermione,

"Talk about killing two birds with one stone!" he said jovially.

"T..t…t..thanks Draco" Hermione sobbed, stumbling into his open arms. They hugged for several long moments, or half and hour, or possibly several sunlit days. Unbeknown to them, Ron had recovered from the crucio curse. Ron staggered to his feet, and charged towards the hugging couple. Draco saw the malice in Ron's eyes pushed Hermione to safety.

"Go Hermione, just go, don't worry I'll be fine, I've got a score to settle."

Hermione fled from the room, leaving the sounds of cracking ribs and breaking teeth behind her.

Draco gave Ron a final kick in the stomach for good measure, and turned to walk away. But first, he spat on the crumpled bleeding figure on the floor before him.

"People like you make me sick" he growled warningly, "And if you ever touch her again, I swear, I'll kill you."

He slammed out of the room, leaving Ron there to cough up blood and followed the route that he knew Hermione must have taken.

**This chapter is dedicated to Sheahan-it was all her idea, but she wanted more sex. The sicko. And don't worry Dragon Sword Master, we have an extra special Harry and Cho bit coming up. Thanks to our other loyal reviewers too, and Evs (aka Mrs. Bozo) .**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Nope………….still don't own it…………..at least unless we've taken some polyjuice potion and changed to JK Rowling overnight.**

**Jolly good Cho**

Harry was lying in bed, still feeling triumphant about the pleading apology he had received from Cho about the second Cedric incident. He was glad that she had seen the error of her ways and was pleased that she was, again, his and only his.

The monster in his chest stirred impatiently.

"Patience, my pet, we shall see her soon, and then she will be mine." Harry replied.

* * *

Harry got up early, intending to post a letter to Bill about his upcoming stag night, which Harry was organizing. 

He walked to the owlery, whistling happily, and approached Hedwig. Then he heard a small cough behind him.

It was Cho Chang.

"Hi hunky," she said, "Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

"Both, baby," Harry replied. Then he realized that Hedwig had not yet returned from her last mission.

"Oh, no owls," he said sadly, "I can't post my letter."

"Why don't you post it in my slot?" Cho whispered, with a saucy wink.

Harry raised an eyebrow, then turned to see Hedwig return.

He fingered the device that he would have used to tie the letter onto Hedwig's outstretched leg, then thought of a killer chat up line that just couldn't be ignored.

"This leather thong would look much better on you," he said suggestively, spinning the thin strip around on his finger.

Cho walked seductively towards Harry, her tiny hips swinging and her chest thrust high.

"Too late," she said, sliding up her skirt to reveal her left thigh, "I'm already wearing one."

Harry pounced.

He pinned her against the wall so there was no escape from his body – not that she was complaining. He started peppering her heaving bosom with kisses and she grabbed his bum with a fiery,

"Come to me Harry!"

Their lips found each others and soon their cries were blending in with those of the owls hunting. Harry gently nibbled at her bottom lip, and, using hoover like sucking action he drew her tongue further into his mouth.

He ran his hand through the hair that would never lie flat and came up for air.

"Phew, that was a good workout," he sighed.

"Ooh, don't stop, me and Cedric did it all night long up here." moaned Cho.

Harry let go of her abruptly and she fell to the floor with a crash.

"CED, I'M SICK OF CED!" he screamed, before flouncing out, tears pouring down his cheeks, leaving a very confused Cho to her very confused thoughts.

* * *

Harry rushed angrily down the corridor, his erection throbbing painfully. He turned to go down the stairs to breakfast when Colin Creevey rushed up to him. Harry groaned. He just wasn't in the mood for socializing. 

"Hi Harry!" squawked Colin.

"What do you want?" barked Harry, a little viciously.

"I think that we need to talk abut what happened." Colin replied simply.

"Well I don't," retorted Harry, "So good day to you Colin." He sprinted down the stairs, so missed the loom of rejection that flew across Colin's face.

* * *

The Great Hall was unusually empty. Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table, where the only other person was Neville. He pulled a platter of sausages towards him and smothered them in mustard. 

He was so busy eating them that he didn't notice Cho sneaking up behind him.

"Obliviate!" she whispered. "That should take care of any bad memories."

Harry didn't even move, the only thing that happened was that his angry, sad, expression changed to that of dreaminess and content.

"Hey Harry." said Cho. "You're sausage looks nice!"

"Yeah………want to taste?"

Cho grinned (she'd always been a memory charm expert) and leaned in to kiss him on the lips.

Harry, in the heat of the moment, swept all the dishes off of the table with a clatter then threw Cho on top of it. He climbed on himself, and ripped his clothes off till he was left with just his underwear. Cho followed suit.

A very startled Neville gawped at the couple, then noticed that a huge bowl of popcorn had appeared next to him. He began to eat, and then sat back to enjoy the show.

Harry straddled Cho, then grabbed a goblet of juice. He poured it all over her sweaty body, then slowly licked it off.

"Mmmmmm……..pumpkin juice,"

Cho sat up, took one of Harry's feet in her hand and began to sensually suck his big toe.

Neville cheered and clapped, thoroughly enjoying himself.

Then the doors to the Great Hall banged open to reveal McGonagall and Dumbledore.

"Dang……they stole our spot," Dumbledore whispered in McGonagall's ear.

She blushed pink, but then marched over to Harry and Cho.

"Mr Potter? Miss Chang? Explain yourselves." She said angrily.

"Sorry," they replied, "We just got carried away."

"Cedric would NEVER have done anything like this," shouted McGonagall, her nostrils flaring.

"CED, I'M SICK OF CED!" yelled Harry, and charged out.

Cho sighed with relief. At least she hadn't done the damage this time.

* * *

Neville, who had now moved on to cola bottles, watched Dumbledore and McGonagall with a smile playing about his lips.

Who'd have thought that oldies could move do fast?

* * *

**Dragon sword master, this had better be enough! But there is more, so don't worry if it's not. And how come we are absent from your favourite stories list? Pheonix lover, we would like to know what you want more of, so we can please our most dedicated fans! Please review again guys! Also, for those who didn't realize, Just FF died because this is based on the book Enduring Love. HENCE THE NAME. Also, please say why Cho sounds Australian. Thank you.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Yes we do own Harry Potter……hang on a second…..what are these men in white coats doing in front of my house? (in case you are very very stupid, this means we don't own it)**

**Mimmycing Malfoy**

_Lucius,_

_Meet me in The Hogs Head at the next Hogsmeade visit, which I believe is on Saturday the 13th of December. I have some interesting information regarding your son and a certain Gryffindor mudblood._

_Yours sexily,_

_The Grand Sex Master of Hogwarts and beyond. (i.e. Ron)_

Ron sent the owl flying away into the sky with an evil smile playing about his lips. He grinned, showing a few gaps in his teeth. He then limped out of the owlery, wincing because of the broken ribs that he'd been too embarrassed to go to Madam Pomfrey about. Luckily his injuries had not affected his performance elsewhere, although wild sex was out for the time being. He was greatly upset about this as it was his favourite pastime.

* * *

Hermione sat in History of Magic, her eyes slightly glazed over. It was just over 2 weeks since 'the incident' and she was still going over it in her mind, torturing herself with memories that she just couldn't forget. She had become bad tempered and irritable and she knew that she was taking her fear and depression out on friends (and lovers) which wasn't fair. Draco was still the only one who knew about it. She preferred it that way. She knew it wasn't her fault but she couldn't help thinking it was. Had she led him on? Given him the wrong impression? Had her waves of love meant for Draco gone off course and floated his way? Questions, questions, questions, but no answers, answers, answers.

* * *

Draco sat also in History of Magic gazing at Hermione. He knew she was still hurting after the attack and he wished he could help her, but she just wouldn't open up. He was started out of his thoughts by the voice of Ernie MacMillan, the resident retard.

"Gimme back ma paaapa claaaaaaaaaap" he stuttered.

Draco looked down and saw that subconsciously he had taken Ernies beloved paper clip (he wasn't allowed a pet due to his mental disabilities) and used it to clean out his perfectly manicured nails.

"What the fuck are you talking about you retard?" Draco drawled, for he had no patience for 'simple' people.

Ernie was getting angry now. His face had turned an ugly shade of red and his breathing was ragged.

"GIMME BACK MA PAAAAPA CLAAAAAAP! GIVE AAAAAAAAAAAT! GIIV AAAT BAAAACK!"

Draco smirked and looked down at the paper clip, that Ernie had so tenderly christened 'Mimmy'. It was red with googly eyes stuck on and a lock of is mum's hair fastened to the top. It reminded him of his mum, and when he was missing her he often tucked himself into bed and had a nice long chat with it. He liked to imagine it talked back. This greatly annoyed the other boys in his dormitories. The only reason the late lamented Justin Finch-Fletchley appeared to like him was because he was regularly bribed with promises of 'chocolaaate caaaaaaake'.

"You want it spastic? Too bad!" he said snapping it in two.

This proved too much for Ernie. Standing up he advanced towards Draco (Binns carried on talking unaware of the commotion) and began to elbow him repeatedly on his back. Although shocked at first, Draco soon began to laugh at the pathetic situation. They all thought they could take out Draco. They all tried. They all failed.

"Ernieshnooo!" cried Hannah Abbott, slurring because of her braces.

"You should have listened to your brace-faced friend," laughed Draco, and lightly pushed Ernie off.

Ernie, who was weak physically as well as mentally stumbled backwards and tripped over a chair with a crash. This spurred Draco on and he turned around to Hannah who was gasping like a fish out of water.

"What are you looking at Brasche fasche? Hey are you going to Hogschmede nesht schaturday?" he jeered jauntily. After months of being sweet and romantic to Hermione, he had forgotten how good it felt to be bad.

Hannah Abbott glared at him.

"Fusch off!" she snapped, sticking two fingers up at him.

Draco threw back his handsome head and laughed. This after everything else caught Binn's attention. He looked up and saw Ernie on the floor, the chair knocked over next to him, Hannah's bright red face, Draco laughing evilly and (if he'd had super vision) Mimmy snapped in half on the table.

"You better have a good explanation for this Mr. Malfoy," barked Binns. All the involved began talking at once.

"He took ma paaapa claaap! He broked Mimmmaaaayyy"

"He inschulted my brasches! That baschtard!"

"Sir that retard has obviously forgotten to take his medication today and he just came up and attacked me."

"Right that's enough. Mr. Mimmy"-Ernie gave a whimper-"er I mean Mr. Malfoy….I may be dead, but I'm not stupid. Get out of my sight and I will see you back here for a detention tonight. You will write a note of apology to Ernie."

Draco shrugged nonchalantly.

"Not my problem. He's the one with 'fusching' Hippogriff shite for a brain" and with one final smirk at Hannah acknowledging his final dig at her speech impediment he departed from the classroom. A huge whisper erupted from all the students after his exit. Draco's snide comments had been lying dormant for the past couple of weeks. There was only one explanation.

Draco's back.

* * *

The day of the Hogsmeade visit dawned bright and fresh. Ron whistled cheerily to himself. It was going to be a goooood day!

* * *

Draco got up and selected his sexiest outfit from his wardrobe. An Italian silk shirt open, with a white wifebeater underneath, pinstriped knee length shorts and black suede loafers. He left his hair loose, letting it fall round his eyes and tied a shell necklace him and his mother made one day when he was poorly. His piece de resistance was a splash of expensive cologne. He surveyed himself with pride in the mirror as he pulled on his military jacket. If he was a girl, he'd shag him.

* * *

Hermione opened her wardrobe and reached automatically for her red coat. Although she got some comments about this (her cousin Dick had sung 'Lady in Red' when she first bought it, and her friend Paris asked her if she minded wearing such tacky clothes) she loved it dearly. She put it on. Too bright. She just wanted to blend in. She pulled out her grubby grey fleece, and wore it with a pair of velour jogging bottoms and a baggy white t-shirt. She wore no make up and pulled her hair back into a tight bun. She didn't know it, but she still looked beautiful.

* * *

Harry, who had by now forgotten the incident in the Great Hall, (funny how boys are like that, isn't it!) was looking around for a sign of Cho. However, she was nowhere to be seen, and with a sad heart he trudged down to the Three Broomsticks. As he walked in, a beautiful sight met his eyes. Cho was sitting at the bar. Taken by surprise, he exclaimed a loud,

"Well, blooow me!"

Cho grabbed him by the tie and led him out the back.

"OK, with pleasure. First room on the left. 10 minutes," she said with a gleam in her eye.

"Phew," Harry said to himself. "I am SO lucky. HOW many kids in the world would PAYEE to be doing this!"

* * *

10 minutes later Harry was being straddled by Cho. He was impatient to hurry on to the promise she had given earlier, but wasn't sure whether she had been joking or not.

"Do…you….do…..anything……to do with…oral sex?"

"No," replied Cho.

Harry pushed back off her slightly and exhaled deeply in frustration. He was so looking forward to it. Then he noticed she was getting ready to talk again.

"But you can give me some,"

Harry's eyes widened in delight and he leant forward expectantly. His licked his lips nervously before moving in for the kill.

He was just feeling as though he was making some headway when he felt a pair of hands grasping his shoulders and found himself being dragged backwards.

"Cho!" he cried, reaching out a hand, "Chooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

he then fell back into a chair. It tipped precariously. He looked up at the person who had so rudely interrupted him and found him self looking up at a burly man.

"Who are you?" he demanded rudely, for manners were never his strong point.

"My names Sid" said the man, "and I was wondering what you are doing in my room…"

But his words went unheard. For there was one particular word that had affected Harry's meagre brain cells.

"Did you say Ced? Ced IM SICK OF CED!" growled Harry.

"I said Sid you gay arse now get out of my room!"

But Harry was crying too much to hear.

Before he fled the room he turned to a still stunned Cho.

"What about me Cho eh? What about meeeeee?"

* * *

Ron looked at his watch. It was about time he made his way to the Hogs Head. He threw his cloak over his back in a sinister fashion and moseyed on down to the pub…

* * *

**Thanks to all our reviewers and sorry for all this posting and reposting lark. Sadly our repost has been deleted now but hopefully some of our dedicated fans from the Draco/Hermione camp have decided to carry on reading!**

**A special thanks to Christopher for bringing the paperclip to our attention.**

**Sorry if a lot of this doesn't make sense to everyone else, but we will we get on with the proper storylines in the next chapter.**

**Let us know how you like the new Draco! We think he's much better than the soppy gimp we had previously. **

**Also well done to A boy on his results, and thanks to Jack for his style tips! **


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Yes I did own the Harry Potter empire, but I gambled it away in a game of wizard chess……….not!**

**Cock and ball story**

Ron entered the Hogs Head, only to find Lucius Malfoy already waiting for him. He bowed his head in acknowledgement and sat down on a stool at the bar.

"Before I tell, you, I trust you're going to be paying me for my information?" Ron asked.

Lucius nodded towards a large sack that was pulsating lightly.

"200 of the finest vibrating condoms, as you requested," he replied.

"Good, good," said Ron, unable to contain his glee. "Ok back to business. A few months ago……………."

* * *

Lavender was just about to leave the town of Hogsmeade, when something unorthodox caught her eye. 

Under the tree, Millicent was setting up a table and placing many boxes of Honeydukes sweets onto it.

"Hey, they're selling it for cheaper than in the shops," Lavender thought. "I may as well go and get some!"

Parvati groaned. She hated Millicent and her gang of cronies. They were in a band called "By Mistake" and she couldn't stand hearing them crooning away at break times. Lavender went over anyway and started to look at some of the items for sale. She had just picked up a two pack of Non-stickifying jam tarts, when she dropped them and they fell onto the muddy ground.

"HEY! You've got to buy those now," shouted Millicent. "We're trying to raise money for Pansy to go to Bulgaria on an exchange! We can't sell them now they're on the floor so you've got to buy them."

Lavender sighed, went up to Parvati and offered her one. Parvati shook her head, and Lavender ate the strawberry one but then decided she didn't want the apricot one.

"You can have them back now!" she called, and tossed the remaining tart back over to them.

Daphne caught it and accidentally snapped it in half. As the yellow goo oozed out over hands (not making them sticky of course) she quickly ate it up.

Millicent strode over to Lavender, with her hand stretched out expectantly.

"Give us the money then," she said. "That'll be 20 sickles for the two jam tarts please."

Lavender shook her head.

"I'm not going to pay you. Daphne ate one of them, and you said you couldn't sell the broken one, so I was doing you a favour by eating it."

Millicent moved forward angrily, her dark eyes glinting through the acres of eyeliner surrounding them.

"Give. Us. The. Money!" she growled.

Parvati, who for the last few minutes had been studying the back of the box, came forward.

"Actually, you bought this in a multipack. They aren't allowed to be sold separately, like you're trying to do."

"It doesn't matter for our type of shop, we checked the laws in the bookshop down the road, now give us the money!" exclaimed Millicent.

"How are you going to get her to? You can't force her, otherwise that would be mugging," butted in a passing Katie Bell.

"Yeah, we're not the ones breaking the law with our multipack selling!" agreed Parvati.

Millicent's chest heaved.

"CHECK THE FUCKING RUUUULES!" she screamed.

She looked so amusing that all the Gryffindors began to laugh. With an angry squeal, Millicent headed into the nearby portable toilets. Daphne and Pansy made to go after her.

"You didn't have to laugh at her, you know. That was mean!" preached Pansy.

* * *

Lucius thundered into Madam Puddifoot's, scanning the heads for the one belonging to his son. 

Draco Malfoy.

He caught sight of him sitting at a table with a mousy girl in a grey fleece.

"Draco, get outside, NOW! I want to talk to you," he bellowed.

Draco got up on shaking legs, but squared his jaw as he followed him out.

He had to learn how to stand up to his father at some point. Why not now?

"What do you want, father?" he asked, once they were a safe distance away from prying eyes and listening ears.

"I know about you and the mudblood. If you don't break up with her, I'll send someone round to sort her out myself."

He turned round, and with a swish of his cloak, had disapparated before Draco could argue.

Draco trudged back to Madam Puddifoot's with a sinking heart. He knew he had to do what he had to do.

* * *

Ron skipped merrily back to Hogwarts, pleased that his mission had been accomplished. He had extra cause for glee, as tonight was the night of the annual shaggers ball! People were allowed to bring one guest each, and that pretty much cleared out all the years! 

He headed up to the dormitory, contemplating his guest.

Luna Lovegood.

Although this years ball was a masked one, so he had said to Luna that he would only take her if she frizzed up her hair and wore a Hermione mask.

As he came out of the shower he was approached by a miserable looking Harry.

"He Ron, wanna play Chess or watch porn or something?"

Ron struggled to think of a good excuse.

"I er...I have volunteered to help Hermione with S.P.E.W tonight. A secret meeting, just for the founder and the treasurer, no need for the secretary. Nah. None."

Harry sighed.

"Ok, I'll watch it by myself. See you later" he said, grabbing a box of Kleenex and 'Lord of the G-strings', and going up to his dorm.

* * *

_I love you Harry, and I know you love me. One day I hope we can truly be together, without any meddlers getting in the way._

_Always and forever,_

_Colin_

Colin sat back, a smug smile playing about his lips. If this didn't convince him nothing would. He tied it up with a lock of his milk white hair and stood up to get his shoes. He found them kicked carelessly under the wardrobe, caked in mud.

"DENNIS!" he cried, "HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING MY SHOES OUT AGAIN?"

Dennis, who was playing with his Barbie and Ken dolls, called back nervously,

"Which ones?"

"The red trainers, my best pair"

"I er, yes. Sorry."

Tutting, Colin wiped them and put them on and set off towards the Owlery.

* * *

"Hear ye, hear ye! I now declare the annual Shagger's Ball open!" Ron cut the velvet ribbon, to thunderous applause, and people rushed in excitedly. Ron surveyed the room smugly. He chuckled to himself, seeing Ginny bumping and grinding in the midst of a group of leering boys. Crabbe and Goyle were, as usual, languishing by the canapés (which were tonight shaped like boobs). 

Crabbe grabbed one, and then winked at his date while sucking on the cherry suggestively.

Ron checked his appearance in one of the many mirrors that were hanging on the walls.

"Hmmm, not so bad Ron, not so bad."

He was going for the Hugh Hefner look, and was wearing a pair of tight black slacks, a silken paisley dressing gown and a matching cravat. He adjusted this, then whistled for his 'dog'.

"Come here, Luna- I mean, Hermione," He said.

Luna waked forward. She was also going for the Hugh Hefner look and was tonight dressed as a bunny girl, except for her Hermione mask of course. Ron grabbed her and squeezed her tail, then dragged her onto the dance floor.

After a couple of hot and steamy dance numbers, Ron remembered he was due on stage. He dashed up onto it, and grabbed the microphone.

"Allllllriiiiiiiiiiiiight! All you Shaggers in the house go way-oh!"

"Way-oh" they duly replied.

"Now here's something to get this par-tey started! Right on!

Aah  
Buddy you're a boy make a big noise  
Shaggin' in the street gonna be a big boy some day  
You got spunk on yo' face  
You big disgrace  
Bashin' your thang all over the place  
Singin'

We will we will shag you  
We will we will shag you

Buddy you're a young man hard man  
Shagging in the street gonna shag all the world some day  
You got cum on yo' face  
You big disgrace  
Wavin' your banner all over the place

We will we will shag you  
Shag it boy  
We will we will shag you

Buddy you're an old man poor man  
Pleadin' with your eyes gonna take  
You some viagra some day  
You got semen on your face  
Big disgrace  
Somebody betta put you back into your place

We will we will shag you  
yes we will  
We will we will shag you  
Everybody  
We will we will shag you  
We will we will shag you  
Alright!"

The crowd were going wild, and Ron got pelted with bras, knickers and pants.

"Now here is some advice for you all.."

Seamus groaned,

"If we wanted lessons we would've one to Charms club"

The crowd laughed and Seamus smirked proudly.

"Hey, hey, hey" said Ron, waggling that oh so inquisitive finger " This is one of the most important lessons for you to learn. You've just got to…relax…

_Wee-ell-Now!_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to go to it_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to come_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to come_

_When you want to come_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to to go to it_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to come_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to suck it to it_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to come_

_Come-oh oh oh_

_But shoot it in the right direction_

_Make making it your intention-ooh yeah_

_Live those dreams_

_Scheme those schemes_

_Got to hit me_

_Hit me_

_Hit me with those laser beams_

_I'm coming_

_I'm coming-yeah_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to go to it_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to come_

_Relax don't do it_

_When you want to suck it to it_

_Relax don't do it (love)_

_When you want to come_

_When you want to come_

_When you want to come_

_Come-huh_

_Get it up_

_The scene of love_

_Oh feel it_

_Relax Relax Relax_

_Higher higher Relax_

_Now's The Time, It's Party Time_

_Hey!"_

This went down a storm and when Ron had finished, there was a standing ovataion and he found a gaggle of groupies waiting for him at the side of the stage.

"Sorry ladies," said Ron, "But I've got my bitch for tonight."

He grabbed Luna by the arms and hauled her into the Presidential suite of the shagging booths.

* * *

**We hope you liked this chapter, its sure is a long one. We are really sorry we didn't update sooner but the Golden Trio have been split up at school so it's harder to do it.**

**We want to thank the Late Lamented Freddie Mercury for bringing one of the songs used in this chapter to our attention. Freddie, we are sure you are looking down from heaven laughing at our changes. Sir Freddie bangs chest Respect! Also, respect to sir Bob. Donate some money to charity….wait Sheahan has left now, saying the vibe isn't right, and now emma has given me the money she was gonna buy a hot chocolate with and gone off. I'm sitting in a bus stop with my lap top, crying. Got no feelings huh, Sheahan? Don't care huh, Emma? Cant ever be serious huh, Dragon Sword master? Well theres no chemistry. Nah. None. Btw, its Pass Me the Shotgun time, and my mate HJ is massaging my feet under the duvet, and now I'm walking down the street with my feet on the beat an' I look real cool coz I aint no fool, but I MUST not step on the cracks and my brother MUST get the joke right.**

**Sorry, I wrote that when I was drunk and now have the hangover from hell. Rule number one of drinking, never mix your drinks. Want to hear my brother's advice for hangovers?**

**Don't drink the night before.**

**Well that's great. Anyway, thanks. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of the books. Nah. None.**

**Extra Large Portion of Trouble**

"Can you wear a condom?" Luna asked Ron, worriedly.

"Tell you what; I'll wear one of these," he said, fishing a crumpled gold condom out of his pocket, " If you wear one of these!" he continued, producing a Hermione mask with a flourish.

Luna complied, and they were soon down to business.

In the midst of passion, Ron cried out,

"Say your name, bitch!"

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione," she replied, wistfully.

Harry was browsing in the library, looking for a book entitled, "How to impress a girl in ten easy steps" so that he could make Cho jealous with all of the other girls who would be bound to fawn over him.

He wandered round the shelves, looking for the "adult" section, when he heard a discussion going on on one of the study tables nearby.

"Did you read this edition of Witch weekly? Apparently, there's this new spell which makes all the people in a certain area sing and dance! It sounds just like Grease, you know, that muggle musical."

"Yeah, I did read that, and tried the spell, but it didn't work….."

Harry tutted. "Nerds," he thought, then wandered off.

He was furtively flicking through "Sexiest witches of the music industry" when he heard footsteps in the row next to him.

Whirling around, he managed to catch a glimpse of some red trainers before the person they belonged to escaped.

Harry had checked the book out, and was reading it in class, behind his folder. However, he wasn't being very subtle, and every time he turned a page, he opened and closed the folder with it.

"What's the answer to this one? But I'm not thick, see, I'm dyslexic!" asked Neville, pointing to some potions theory questions.

"I dunno," said Harry, shrugging annoyingly, and turning his back on Neville.

As he turned to the next page, he saw a picture which caught his eye. There was a sexy pose of none other than Anna Devans, chief singer of the band "Extra Large Portion of Fries to go". She was wearing a white top, which plunged to mid waist, and the photo was in black and white, making her all the more alluring. Her brown hair was fanned across the bed on which she was lying and one hand was trailed seductively along the stomach of fellow band member and then boyfriend, Andrew.

He proceeded to read the story accompanying the picture, enraptured by her beauty.

"_Extra Large Portion of Fries to go singer in nymphomaniac threesome romps!"_

"_Sultry, soul-singer seductress Anna Devans, was yesterday involved in a horrific sex act. She leapt on her fellow band mates Andrew (who had dumped her a while back) and Charlie and dragged them into bed. She ripped off her shirt and poured oil over her heaving bosom. _

"_Shiny side up or shiny side down," she purred._

_She then participated in a sexual move called the skewer (where the woman slots between both the men and is "skewered"). _

_Andrew, who wanted her for himself, said, "Do you want to get off the skewer?"_

"_Kendrick," came her panting reply._

_This reporter says, she's like a veela. Beautiful but deadly…"_

The magazine was suddenly grabbed from Harry's grasp by Snape, who had suddenly darted forward.

"What's this!" he thundered, "I am appalled and offended! You might as well put two fingers up at my lesson and tell me you don't give a toss! I'm seriously hurt! Come and see me at break!"

Harry strolled along to Snape's office at break time and was waiting for ages.

"Get in my office, you filthy little toe rag," said Snape, when he had finally arrived.

Harry shuffled in and sat down, trying not to look and Snape lying down on the desk like a page three model.

"Toe the line or I'll give you a bollocking," spat Snape, running a hand through his greasy hair.

Harry grimaced, as horrible mental images fluttered through his head. He left the office with his head hanging.

"Have you been a naughty boy?" said Cho, who was passing by at that time, "Do you need to be punished?"

"Yeah, I'm bad to the bone, honey," Harry replied.

5 minutes later….

Cho was strung up like meat in a butchers shop, a pair of furry handcuffs around her wrists. Harry emerged from the nearby broom cupboard wearing a zip up leather vest, and nothing but an erection on his nether regions.

"Isn't this exciting, Harry?" said Cho.

"Hey, I'm not Harry, I'm Mr Whiplash!" he replied, and began laying into her with the whip.

"After half an hour of solid fun, Harry stopped.

"Cho, honey, maybe we should have a safe word for if I get too heavy handed with the whip, eh?"

"Yeah, how about…." Cho pondered for a moment. "Ced!" she said, finally reaching her conclusion.

"CED I'M SICK OF CED!"

**Thanks to HJE. We love you really. Keep reviewing guys and just you wait till the next chapter….**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: We put the Imperius Curse on JK so she'd give the HP empire to us, but it didn't work. **

**If music be the food of love, I'll stick to the diet, thanks.**

Colin crossed his room to the window, pulling open the curtains in one fell swoop.

The panes of glass that usually gave him such a perfect view of Harry's Quidditch practice were covered in crusty white stains. This would never do.

"Dennis!"

His younger brother came scampering in, still in his navy Harry Potter pyjamas (courtesy of Witch Weekly).

"Clean the windows for me, they're all dirty. Don't know how it happened," ordered Colin.

As Dennis hopped to it, Colin had an urge to retrieve the double bass he kept hidden from under his bed. Settling himself down on a chair, he started plucking at the strings.

"Every breath you take," Colin started to warble.

"Every move you make

Every wand you shake

Every step you take

I'll be watching you

Every single day

Every word you say

Every Quidditch game you play

Every night I wish you'd stay

I'll be watching you

Oh, can't you see

You belong to me

How my poor heart aches

With every step you take."

In the background, Dennis could be seen scrubbing away at the windows, standing on a floating platform similar to those fancy American contraptions they use to clean skyscrapers.

"I'll be watching you

I'll be watching you

I'll be watching you

I'll be watching you

I'll be watching you..."

* * *

Harry walked into the Charms classroom, glad to get out of the hustle and bustle of the corridor – which somehow seemed more musical today. Glancing at the teacher's desk, he expected to see Professor Flitwick on his usual tower of books. Instead, he saw an albino-like woman dressed in navy sandals with red socks, a green dress and a fetching tiger-print coat. Harry marched up to her, thumping his fist on the desk.

"Where's Professor Flitwick?" he demanded.

"And who do you think you are?" she snapped back, peeling off the tiger-print coat, emphasising her bingo wings.

Harry whipped out a baseball cap, ramming it on backwards and jumped onto the nearby desk.

"Ahhhhh…" he showboated.

"Now this is the story all about how

My life got flipped, turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became the prince of a house called Gryffindor.

In Little Whinging not born but raised

In Privet Drive was where I spent most of my days

Getting beats, doing chores, hating my school,

Living under the stairs, that was not cool.

When a really big man said "You've got magic blood"

Then put a tail on my cousin Dud

I went to wizard London and met a pale blond,

who said "Only purebloods deserve to have wands"

I went to King's Cross and when I got there

I met a bunch of people all with red hair

If anything I could say that this family was rare,

But I thought now forget it, yo home to Hogwarts

I got to the castle 'bout seven or eight

We walked to the hall and let the hat tell our fate

Looked at my kingdom I was finally there

to settle my throne as the prince of Gryffindor."

"Well," the teacher (who had written on the board that her name was Dr. Whales) said, "that was rather risqué."

* * *

Ron was rifling through his wardrobe, trying to find the appropriate outfit for tonight's sex convention meeting. He wasn't sure whether to go for 80's New Romantic, or go for a Vampire themed outfit. He eventually decided he was in the gangster mood, and settled upon his pin-striped suit and shiny black and white spats. Of course, he had a hat at a jaunty angle. Just to complete the look.

After climbing thorugh the portrait hole, he swaggered into the sex conventions bar. Pressing his cane and trench coat into Dean's outstretched palms, he barked, "Get me a drink. On second thoughts, leave the bottle." For some reason, the entire sex convention had developed a curious Queens-type accent.

Once he had got his boss settled with his Firewhisky, he began polishing the bar. He leant conspiratorially across it, his waistcoat stretched taut across his muscular back, "Ey booaaaass, wha's up?"

Ron chewed at his cocktail stick thoughtfully. "Ahh, nu'in boys. But, I can't concentrate with all the pool playing going on."

"Oy, will yous two cut it out? The boass is trying to think here!"

"Gee, I'm reals sorry," came the reply as Seamus leant on his cue, which he began to chalk.

After potting another red, Blaise straightened up and said, "So, what's up really, boass? There must be something wrong."

"It's just…this girl. Or rather, that girl," he said, while pointing to the large poster of Hermione on the Wanted Wall.

"Tell us about it," they all said, drawing up stools around him. One person felt compelled to sit near the piano, another picking up a trumpet.

"All right, all right………………."

* * *

**More to come…………………And we aren't actually dead, we just have exams.**

**p.s. sorry to get your hopes up, this was just an update.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: we own only the knowledge that we _don't_ own Harry Potter **

**If music still be the food of love, I'll turn anorexic thanks.**

…Ron opened his mouth and began to sing:

I couldn't get anyone to come near to me  
I bore nothing to brag  
Then my voice broke, I discovered Playboy…  
I became the best at giving shags

Now I could get anyone I wanted to shag  
With all the talent I had  
No doubt about it, I kept myself fit…  
I was the very best at giving shags

And the other Gryffindors  
Had their fair share of girls through the door  
For shags, girls, you could do a lot worse  
Than the Gryffindor tower, we're not criticised and cursed  
We'll give you a good time, our foreplay don't lag  
We're the very best at giving shags

We started a convention  
We got the word out  
With little training, we mastered copulating  
Condoms seemed unnecessary  
(The Johnny bill – it was almost scary!)

We're able to shag anyone we want to shag  
With all the talent we had  
But there's one exception, one who will not be swayed  
We're just unable to pull Hermione  
We're just unable to pull Hermione  
We're just unable to pull Hermione…"

"Gee, sounds like you've gots yourself into a real fix boasss," sighed Seamus.

"Yeeeah, but its nothing a quick go on the new Hufflepuff fourth year won't fix," lied Ron bravely. For although Ron still longed for Hermione with every beat of his heart he had decided to temporarily quell his feelings for her. For one thing it was damaging his libido, and anyway, the Sex Convention had had an influx of new members of late who Ron was keen to take for a test ride.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Room of Requirement, a boy -

Draco Malfoy

- was venting his pent up sexual frustration on an innocent punch bag. Even though he knew he had to star away from Hermione for her own good, he just couldn't stop thinking about her. The way her nose crinkled when she smiled, the way when in the midst of an argument her eyes blazed with fiery passion, and most of all, the way she made him feel when she cradled him in his arms. She made him feel surrounded, savoured, spent.

When Draco's 'Eye of the Tiger' record shuddered to a halt, he spat his mouth guard into a nearby bucket and leant his hot face against the cool surface of the punch bag. His shirtless body trembled with a boneless exhaustion and sweat glistened on his perfect muscles, so formed from the gruelling Quidditch training. Draping a snow white towel around his elegant neck, he strode over to the ivory piano in the corner of the room, the black and white keys screaming out for his tender caress. Their needs were soon sated when, after flexing his spider-like fingers, he lovingly stroked their smooth surface.

Draco rose and fell with the temp, and with his eyes still closed, parted his rose bud and huskily sang:

"I put you down,

I made you frown,

But girl, you turned my life around.

You were bossy, I was mean,

One was red, the other green.

A stranger pair there's never been;

One Gryffindor, one Slytherin."

Swiftly, Draco pushed away the piano – for it was on casters – and reached for an acoustic guitar as he launched into the chorus:

"Hermione, Hermione, you are the one for me,

Hermione, Hermione, ooh how I long for thee,

Mmm mmm oh yeah,

Mmm mmm yeah yeah."

Suddenly, Draco was swaggering down the corridor, his guitar swinging over his shoulder on a silver and green strap. Jumping up onto a circular water fountain, which has been so recently installed in the courtyard, he began to walk around its marble edge, strumming furiously as he launched into the next verse.

"I was snappy,

Made you unhappy,

But my life without you is so crappy.

(spoken I may seem like a total cad but it's all to do with the upbringing I had)

You already know about my dad,

How he would go completely mad,

And treat dear old mum so bad

it often makes me very sad"

As he was about to launch into the second chorus, he wandered into a classroom – it was History of Magic Class. Professor Binns didn't look up at this all singing all dancing blond Adonis who has suddenly arrived – in fact no one did except for Crabbe and Goyle, who got up and began to harmonise.

"Hermione, Hermione, ooh how I long for thee,

Ooh oh ah ooh yeah!"

After that quick detour, Draco made his way back outside and sat down amongst the flowers, plucking the occasional one and playing 'She loves me, she loves me not'.

"Being with you gives me a natural high,

If I miss this fix, I want to die.

Going cold turkey – this made me cry.

I have money without the need to chore,

Money-wise I could not wish for more.

But without your love I am poor

You're worth a billion times that Pansy whore."

Leaping up once more Draco took some stone steps two at a time and, when reaching the top, sank to his knees and raised an arm in the air with a rousing:

"Hermione, Hermione, you are the one for me

Hermione, Hermion, ooh how I long for thee…

Ooh hoo hoo!  
Mmm yeah yeah yeah,

Ooh mm mmm yeah…!"

As Draco opened his eyes on the final 'mm mmm yeah yeah yeah' he found he was once again on the piano stool in the Room of Requirement, yet as he looked down at his hand he saw a flower, clutched in his palms, all petals plucked away but one…

_She loves me…

* * *

_

Dumbledore was sat in his office, head in his hands desolately. Shaking, he poured himself his fourth Firewhisky of the day, slopping most of the whisky onto the table instead of into the glass

"Daant you fink you've 'ad enuff?" claimed one of the portraits that adorned the wall of his office.

"Leave it aat," he slurred angrily, glugging back the whisky like there's no tomorrow.

"Whats eating him?" the portraits mumbled to eachother.

"Must be that filly McGonagall of his," offered one portrait, bravely.

Dumbledore shot up and hurled his glass at the portrait, showering the room with glass.

"Shut yo' maaafff!" Dumbledore bellowed at the cowering figure etched into the portrait for all eternity. "DIN' I TELL YOU NEVER TO MENTION HER NAME?" His towering rage caused the overhead lamp to swing backwards and forwards. Dumbledore wished he could reach his hand into the portrait and grab the figure's robes in a needless display of anger not at all fitting to his character.

"It's your fault for ending it, innit!" shouted out another portrait (from the safety of behind a sofa).

Dumbledore sank into a nearby chair and flicked the V sign at the portraits on his wall. Bastards. He had hoped to get rid of them as soon as he became Headmaster, but they'd been put there using a Permanent Sticking Charm, so he'd had to find somewhere else to put his Top Gun posters. He'd finished things with McGonagall a week or so earlier. He told her it was because she loved her job more than him, yet the real reason was he had feared he was not satisfying her sexually, despite her refusal to transfigure him a second, larger penis.

"Go talk to 'er mate, wots the worse that can 'appen?" advised a kindly portrait with a beard.

Dumbledore knew that they were right, but he felt too afraid. What would a sexy, dynamic career woman like her want in an old decrepit man like him? Suddenly an idea struck him, an idea which could surely woo her back to his grand four poster. But he'd need music – music and a lot more Firewhisky…

Professor McGonagall was just settling down to some shortbread and ginger Newts in the Hogwarts staffroom when a commotion caught her ears. It sounded as though some of the kittens the fifth years had been attempting to vanish had been placed in a blender…then she realised – it was Dumbledore singing:

"My magic's brilliant  
My love is pure.  
I saw an angel.  
Of that I'm sure.  
She smiled at me in the Great Hall.  
She was with Professor Flitwick.  
But I didn't lose no sleep on that,  
'Cause he had a smaller dick.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.  
You're beautiful, it's true.  
I dumped yo' arse, in front of the entire class  
And I don't know what to do,  
'Cause now I want be with you. (again…)

Your breasts caught my eye,  
As I sauntered on by.  
You could see from my trousers that I was,  
Fucking high,  
And we had sex time and time again,  
Until I foolishly brought our relationship to a bitter end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.  
You're beautiful, it's true.  
I dumped yo arse, in front of the entire class,  
And I don't know what to do,  
'Cause now I want to be with you.

La la la la la la la la la

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.  
You're beautiful, it's true.  
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,  
When she thought up that I should be with you.  
But here I am, hear out my plea,  
Won't you please get back with me?"

McGonagall looked into his wrinkled silver face and her heart skipped a beat.

"So what do you say you old bag?" asked Dumbledore, a cheeky glint in his eye. "Give this old codger another try?"

McGonagall felt tears welling in her eyes as she huskily exclaimed, "you had me at 'my'".

* * *

Harry stalked through the corridors angrily, until he got to the library. Sure enough, there were the same nerds he had seen on his last visit. Removing his fluffy pink earmuffs (which magically enabled him to hear the teacher but not the Mandrakes) he said to the head nerd of the gang.

"Quickly, reverse that bloody musical spell!" he roared.

Hastily the girl got out her copy of Witch Weekly and found the right page. "Musicalus Endus" she cried with a swish-waggle-flick of her wand. The sound of countless Hogwarts students warbling away in an out of tune fashion stopped suddenly.

"I'll take that!" exclaimed Harry, yanking the magazine out from under her nose. "I better keep it, in case it er gets out again…" he said, eyeing the picture of Anna Devans on page 12 and earmarking it for later.

* * *

**Hello loyal followers. Sorry about the pathetic delay on this chapter's arrival, but you can now see we are in fact alive. Hope you enjoy this update. **


	15. Chapter 15

**A very thrusty Christmas**

**Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter as such, but at midnight tonight we shall be the owners of our very own copies of the seventh book.**

Christmas time had hit Hogwarts and the seasonal feelings had spread just that extra bit of magic around Hogwarts. Colin had managed to acquire some of the "Harry Christmas" baubles, courtesy of Dobby and was busy adorning his four poster bed for the holiday season. "I just hope my Christmas is Harry" murmured Colin "and that the New Year is even Potter…."

Ron adjusted his santas hat to a more rakish angle then walked down to the Gryffindor common room where Seamus and Dean, dressed as Elves, were waiting to walk with him to the Yule-Shagme Ball (the Shaggers had found that the traditional Yule Ball was a little too tame for their liking). They made their way to the portrait of the woman, who had trimmed her underwear with white fur for the festive occasion. She nodded and wiggled her furry chest at them before swinging open, allowing the sound of carol singing to reach their ears.

"Good King Ronald last went down  
on a cracking fourth year  
When the snow lay round about  
Deep and crisp and even  
Brightly shone her breasts that night  
Though the bitch was cruel  
When the poor man came in sight  
She would not let him have a feel…"

Ron flushed an angry scarlet. "Stick to the programmed carols!" he yelled, wishing that particular encounter had not been made so public. The assembled group of singers sniggered before beginning to sing "A way into Ginger" (for Ginger was Ginny's nickname amongst most of the Sex Convention).

Ron began his annual touring of the room, where he dished out compliments – pre-written and printed on cards, ready to be dispensed by Dean – to the sexiest girls of the convention. Ron liked to do his bit for others, especially at this time of year.

Dean handed Ron a card and, reading it quickly then setting fire to it with the tip of his wand, he said to Padma and Parvati "what a right bunch of Christmas crackers you are!" they giggled coyly and Ron sauntered off, throwing a cheeky wink over his shoulder as he did so.

Ron walked up to Hannah Abott and, eyeing the silky black stockings she had under her barely decent skirt, quipped saucily "I'd rather see your stockings hooked on the end of my bed!" Hannah grinned and whispered huskily "you can, schexy boy", spraying Ron with spit. Ron made a hasty retreat. After a further turn of the room, whereby Lavender Brown ("Why don't you come down _my_ chimney, baby") and Daphne Greengrass ("I'd like to unwrap _you_ on Christmas Day!") were both subjected to Ron's charm, Ron alighted on Seamus to lead the carols. "I mean, just what is going on mate!" roared Ron as in the background the singers softly sang

"Violent night, sexy night  
he's so horny, she's so tight  
Round on Ron's Virgin – but "no" says the child

Could another refusal for Ron be filed -  
Shagged together all night?  
No, the girl remains tight…."

"I think some of the newer members have lost respect for you after the whole Hermione thing" Seamus guessed, while taking his vibrator-cum-conducting baton out of its protective case. Ron blinked and felt his chest puff with indignancy. Feeling the need to assert his manhood Ron strode over to where Luna was standing, flirting with Ernie Macmillon, punched Ernie in his pompous face and grabbed Luna by the buttocks. "Sorry Ernie, but I think this bitch deserves someone who doesn't leave his socks on" then, smirking, he began thrust dancing into Luna's back util she joined in and they shimmied onto the dance floor.

* * *

Harry was strolling down the corridor, annoyed that no one was asking him innocent questions to which he could snap back that he was sick of all their questions and why didn't they just shut up when he noticed the door to the Room of Requirement was ajar. Always a curious lad, Harry peered his speccy head round the door and the sight he discovered made him feel like Christmas had come early (albeit only 48 hours early). Cho Chang was inside, wearing a tinsel bikini and wrapping presents. Harry remembered a discarded card he had found under Ron's bed the other day when he was looking for that month's addition of _Breasts N Bludgerz_ magazine. "You're my angel, girl, so why don't you sit on top of _my_ tree" he spluttered, arching an eyebrow suggestively.

Unfortunately for Harry he had picked the card up from Ron's "reject pile". Cho however seemed undeterred by his pathetic excuse for a chat up line. "Don't you want your present, Big Boy?" she whispered huskily.

Harry grinned and rubbed his hands together. He was sick of having Ron's considerably larger pile rubbed in his face every single year, so hopefully Cho's offering would bulk things up a little. "What is it, Honey Pie?" he simpered.

"Me," Cho murmered spreading her hands as though indicating herself in all her tinselled glory.

Harry's heart sank briefly but another part of his anatomy rose to make up for it... Soon they were entwined in one another's arms, kissing with a passion more spicy than the ingredients of the mulled wine that had appeared in goblets behind them. Harry pulled back then leant forward again to "unwrap" his present. But before he could get the goods he realised Cho was preoccupied with the mistletoe sprouting above them. "Mistletoe," she said, pointing a sexy finger upwards. "Just like our first kiss."

Harry scoffed to himself, "yeah but then you ruined it by crying over Ced…."

As Harry stormed from the room moments later Cho looked on nonplussed, and just managed to catch the words "sick of Ced….."

* * *

Midnight fell over the castle. So did some snow. In between his pictureskew scene a boy,

Draco Malfoy,

was walking the shadowed corridors, his hauntingly pale face (and his pale yet muscular hands) glowing through the darkness. Another Christmas was upon then. Christmas was always the time when his mother got it worst, after his father had been at the Christmas Eggnog. Christmas was also the time he felt most alone.

This year he had been hoping that he could have spent his Christmas morning with someone he actually cared about, someone who cared about him. Someone…who was Hermione. But that was not to be, so he'd had to make do with giving Crabbe and Goyle some polyjuice potion with Hermione's beautiful curls in, then making them do a sexy dance for him. In the past when Pansy had done sexy dances for him he too had always favoured Slave 4 U, but after seeing that ginger monstrosity getting his kicks to it with Hermione he was now repulsed by the song. He instead chose SexyBack, for Hermione definitely had brought some sexy into his life…plus he liked to think he had brought some to hers.

Draco sighed and went to bed, a perfectly decent ending to this chapter, and not because it needs to be finished in a rush so the writers can go and buy their copy of Deathly Hallows.


End file.
